What My Heart Missed

By Audrey Kawasaki

For those unaware, I will call it sufficient to say that SUUSI is a multi-generational spiritual & recreational camp that takes place for one week annually on a college campus in Virginia.

This year, I spent most of my time building relationships instead of going deeper with some of my oldest friends. Relationship building is important and fun, I mean, let's be candid...

There is a certain amount of "sniffing each other out" (for lack of a better reference) that takes place in a new or building relationship. Getting to know someone, learning their unique "scent" is exhilarating. I use the term relationship in its simplest form, the human relationship, the continued interaction one has with an other.

This focus on new relationships left me wondering. How does one 'go deeper' with established friendships? How can you make a deeper and stronger and ultimately more joyful relationship with another person?

Why go deeper?
To experience more.
To suck the marrow from the juicy orange moon 
and spin in its heady intoxication.
In a word: Joy.

To go deeper, people need to "check-in", talk and pay attention to one specific person. Hopefully that check-in will lead to a real moment: a one-on-one connection when the eyes lock and there is the realization of congruity of thought.

I try to have these "check-ins" in my life and I tend to call them dates. Not necessarily a romantic date, but a meeting, where the goal is to pay specific attention to another and experience things together. I realized at SUUSI, too late in the week, that I wanted to re-connect in that way with some older friends, but I just didn't schedule the specific time.

Now there is a voice in the back of my head that says, "Oh relationships are not that complicated, you don't have to be so calculated in your approach to intimacy and plan something like that."

True, relationships are often easy, not requiring of check-ins or specific dates, people can just see each other when they see each other and take it as it comes and have joy all the same.

But my goal here is to intentionally go deeper. To deepen a relationship, to experience more joy or a new level of it, in synergy with another being. There's always the idea in the back of my head, "what's appropriate to share?" There are so many people in this world who I love totally and completely for the imperfect mash of divine energy that they are. It makes me want to eat them. Lick them and praise their being.

That being confessed, I need to call a few people and see if we can push a bit deeper. It's real and honestly somewhat scary to me, but I do believe it will bring me more joy. That's the intention I bring to it, would that I be blessed to receive joy back.

Those are my post-SUUSI thoughts, and now I'm off to sing about it.